I Love Betting and Fantasy Sports - Why Did I Schedule My Wedding for an NFL Sunday?

Folks, the NFL is back. Week 1 is in the books and we're ready to get slamming into our second round of fantasy, betting and all things football. This season has already given us some all-time moments for better or for worse, with the Lions biting the kneecaps off the Chiefs in the opener and the Bills vs. Jets made-for-Hollywood scenes that made up the first MNF of the year.

But you already know this. I'm not here to tell you how good the NFL season has already been. I write this because unlike the millions of you who will be indulging in the Sunday festivities of Week 2, I will be out of the football realm. No football for me this Sunday, because I will be getting married.

Yes, it's wonderful, thank you! We're very excited and much like the grind of a fantasy football season, ready to be done with all the work that goes into it. But let's get to the real question. Why the hell did I choose to get married on a football Sunday?

Well, for starters, a Sunday is in and of itself a +EV day to get married. Weekends are by far the superior days, that's no question.

Friday weddings are like when a West Coast team has to travel from their home state to play an East Coast team in the 1PM window. Fresh off a full work week, your guests aren't going to be in full-on party mode when they have to jet out of work, get changed and zoom their way into your wedding ceremony (while dodging rush hour traffic), just to wait another hour before attacking that open bar.

There's no debating the elite setting of a Saturday wedding. No one has to take off from work, the party can go all night and when your guests wake up that morning, getting to your wedding is basically their number one priority. The downside? It’s expensive. Popular demand drives up the price of a Saturday wedding. It kind of feels like betting on a -500 moneyline or a +200 home run prop; it’s just gross.

Enter Sunday. Our date cost less by nature of it being on a Sunday but even better we got the date at a discount due to a cancellation. We basically took a 200% profit boost from the venue, put it on Aaron Judge to hit a HR and come Sunday when we have an amazing time, we sit back and cash just like a Judgian blast.

With all that said, none of this addresses the issue; how do we get some action on this glorious Week 2 Sunday? My lineups will be set, of course, and you already know I'm locking in some NFL plays in the morning, but I won’t be checking my phone during the reception and half the fun of betting on football is the day-long affair that it is on Sundays. Fortunately, I’ve come up with a solution to both get my fix and incorporate a little side competition into the day’s festivities.

I’ve curated five wedding day props for myself and my groomsmen to get action on. We’ve got spreads, we’ve got over/unders. You want some action on chicken vs. beef? We got it. Depending on how my guys do, maybe one of them gets a little extra something in their gift bag, especially if someone can go 5 for 5.

Over/Under 1.5 Non-tie wearers

We had to set this line low for it to even be worth it, but there could be some wild cards that make this one interesting. You know everyone is coming in looking good and you can immediately eliminate the female guests from contention as the tie won’t be part of their attire anyway. All of my family and any men in the wedding party will have a tie and I could go down the guest list with nigh 100% accuracy to tell you they’ll all have one. But, can you ever really account for that plus-one or even someone forgetting their tie in a rush? There are too many factors at play for this to be a 0.5 line and we’ve got to account for the unexpected. My pick? I’m going under. This one is kind of like the NRFI as it would be settled by the time the ceremony starts.

Chicken +32.5 plates vs. Beef

To be fair, I have a little inside info on this one, but I’ve deleted the files from my brain that contained the exact number for each meal option to make room for the other two dozen important numbers and dates and things I need to keep track of before Sunday. All I can tell you for sure is that it is a double-digit number, and it’s at least a 30-person difference. With a little bit of line reading, we can parse some info to narrow down the right play.

We’ve got 139 guests, myself and my fiancé included. The vegetarian option is easily single digits, let’s go high and say 9. I know that there are approximately 30 fish. So we’re looking at roughly 100 plates between just chicken and beef. I could easily see a 70-30 split here; people love their beef or steak especially when it doesn’t have a price tag next to it, so my pick will be for beef to cover 32.5 plates, but I think it’s close and will fall within two on either side.

Over/Under 12.5 Seconds Into Reading Vows Before My Wife Cries

I’d set this line even lower, sub-five seconds honestly, but just like the books when they set their own odds, I need people to want to take action on both sides so I’ve got to use a line that will entice debate. My soon-to-be wife embraces her basic side. She tears up at romance in family sitcoms. Any Instagram reel that involves a reunion between any combination of mother / daughter / father / husband / wife / dog / favorite teacher, etc is a one-way ticket to Tear Town. She’s a self-proclaimed “lover of love” and she loves me, hence the wedding. I’m also a pretty great writer, and if this column or my other work on Dimers doesn’t have you sold, well that’s fine because I’m not marrying you. This one is an easy under as I think her eyes start to glisten by the time I finish my first sentence.

Over/Under Team Total 20.5 - Old Fashioneds Consumed by Wedding Party

This is a “team total” because we’re only going to factor in my groomsmen. One, for ease of use and two, because I just don’t get “slamming Old Fashioneds” vibes from my fiancé’s bridal party, although they can definitely hang with the best of ‘em. We’ve got two signature drinks available; a sangria for her and the Old Fashioned for yours truly. I’ve got six groomsmen (what, I got a lot of real ones in my circle), plus me so that’s seven on the team.

An average of three per would put us over, and while this number might even seem low, keep in mind we have several beverage options at the open bar, from local beers to house cocktails. I know I’m good for my three, but I’m sure I’ll be switching it up through the night. It’s going to be another close one, but I’m taking the Over here.

Over/Under 17.5 Minutes - Total Speeches

Last but not least, we’re looking at a prop that’s completely out of anyone’s control. For clarity, we are only counting speeches given during cocktail hour or the reception. Anything during the ceremony is contained within that space. Think of the post-ceremony speeches as the stolen bases and advanced runners that don’t count towards your total bases props; they’re independent of the larger market.

There are three speeches that I’m aware of; my future father-in-law, my own father and my fiancé’s two brothers tag-teaming one of their own. My fiancé’s father is well-spoken but I’ve never seen him carry on a long monologue and I think his delivery is more likely to be short and to the point, though that’s just a hunch. My dad will drag his out; not for the sake of doing so, but he is a glutton for dramatic pauses and focused inflection when speaking to a crowd. For my soon-to-be brothers-in-law, I expect they’ll be doing more of a bit rather than a direct speech so it’s a true wild card.

None of this accounts for any unexpected toasts or off-the-cuff words that would count towards the total and we know all too well how you can shatter an over in the waning minutes (garbage time points in the NFL, anyone?). My bet is the under and it might prove to be the sweatiest one of them all.

There you have it, the five props I’ll be watching with great interest come Sunday. And hey, even if my numerous fantasy teams lose, my bets all bust and I go 0/5 on my own wedding day props, I get to marry the perfect person in front of my closest people. There’s never been a bet as great as this one, the absolute lock of my life.